I don’t think this is a Buddhist idea, but I was told it to me by a Buddhist monk so I am going to assume they probably have a concept somewhere in their ideology which represents this. The idea is simple: you don’t have to finish something just because you started it.
My laptop hard drive is littered with joke ideas, show ideas, podcast ideas, blog ideas you name it… all of which I’ve shelved for another day or dropped completely but as yet, not had the time or inclination to delete.
Walking away from a project, person or an idea is really hard. The more invested in it you are in the thing the harder it is to walk away. I guess that’s partly why I am taking my Edinburgh Fringe show around the place next year. It took me two years to produce and although convention would say that you need to write a new hour every year, I can’t. I’m not there yet.
Recently I’ve had a break up and I had to walk away from a relationship which wasn’t the most healthy by the end. I still love her, but that’s normal I think. I don’t know. I’ve never loved anyone before. I’ve spent 4-5 days a week with her for 2 years. Walking away from that is hard for me.
When you walk away from something, you give yourself time and space and allow yourself to be open to new things. Louis CK is one of my favourite comedians. He often talks about how his jokes were a trap. He stuck with the same jokes for 15 years and only when he took the risk of dropping them did he really start to go up a level.
Every good album, film, song, lyric, painting, comedy special was created by someone who has grown as a person. And has dropped some people or projects to improve and move forward. I guess that’s something we lose on social media. Because it feels like never quite cut out people from our lives.
I hate feeling this broken. I hate feeling like I can’t move. I know this is the depression, but it’s really hard to tell what’s what. It could be heartache, it could be depression. I don’t know. I really don’t know.
I want to move on. I want to let this go. I guess I’m just not ready.
A lot of comedians always say “well there might be some material in it”. Might there be? I don’t know. This isn’t funny to me. Yet.
Even though I know I need to walk away. I’m not ready to let go of this feeling. I think this is the most human I’ve ever felt. And it hurts. We have a cure for 99% of household germs, but we don’t have a cure for the chemical imbalance that comes from heartache? This is bullshit.
I am so angry. Sad. Frustrated. Lonely. Isolated. Happy. Weightless. Lightheaded. Free. Tied down. A nostalgic mess. I am in love. But out of my mind.