There’s this girl
A little while back I met a girl. I say “met”, we were introduced by a mutual friend over the internet. I say mutual friend, the mutual friend was another internet friend (I hope you’re able to follow this).
The girl and I get on very well. Extremely well. Like, almost worryingly so. She’s just ended a relationship, and I’m on the back of a break up. Although truth be told, I’m over mine and wish my ex the best.
This new girl is someone I can talk to easily, I connect with and feel a sort of shared spirit. We are both artsy, creative and driven (a big one for me, I can’t deal with people who don’t have goals and drive to make them happen).
She knows how I feel, I don’t know how she does. I think this is because I have no idea if she knows. When I was going through my break up, my mind raced 10 times a day with thoughts like ” never again, I’ll never date again” to “I need to find someone now” to “maybe I just miss sex?” I wouldn’t have trusted anything I was saying at the time. A friend told me a quote at the time which was “don’t make permanent choices based on temporary feelings”. That alone stopped me –
-moving city / country
-ringing my ex to see if we could try again
-quitting stand up to go travelling.
-deleting everything I’ve ever done online for the belief that it was just taking up space in googles search engine
-eating myself into a new shirt size.
I don’t know why I can’t just accept what it is for what it is. I don’t even know why I want what I want. Relationships are hard work and boring at times. But for some reason I want one. Not sure if the thing will add to my life or what. Not sure if thinking it through will ruin the rush of excitement.
I think if something takes up too much of my mind I should decide why that is. If it’s a creative idea keeping me up all night, that’s the next thing I am going to do. If it’s a person I need to know why they’re in my head. It usually they’ve done something which has annoyed me, but more often than not, it’s they’ve done something which wasn’t exactly the thing I wanted.
In Buddhism ” acceptance ” is a big thing. Buddhists believe most of your pain in life come from not accepting impermanence (that is the fact that everything is changing all the time, including you, which means you need to be ready for when something changes, even if you don’t know what that change will be). I guess the Western version of this would be the phrase “expect the unexpected” but that’s really vague. And not something which offers any practical advice or explanation for what’s happening. The Buddhist way barely offers anything more, but at least they’ve tried. I guess because everything is always changing so does the definition of impermanence and the nature of it. Like how to word “bad” can mean negative and positive things depending on the context.
I don’t intend on dying anytime soon (he says as his 30th birthday approaches, and is aware more and more people keep asking how I’m dealing with that – for the record, I’m loving it. Every year since I was 22 I have had something happen to me which hurt and made me try to be better, so I don’t care about the number or anyone’s perception on “where I am” in life, as long as I’m working and improving on me, I’m cool bro, OK I’m off topic).
Trying to accept things are not as good as you want them, or more specifically not what you wanted is hard. Especially if you’re someone like me who likes to set targets. And can be a bit of a perfectionist.
Not accepting things how they are also means you lose perspective on what positive stuff is happening for you. Which is an emotional rollercoaster I don’t like going on. Since I started writing down daily good things in my life, I feel I know the difference between my privilege and my earned credits (which clearly build off my privilege).
Right now is happening. To quote fight club, “this is your life and it’s ending a second at a time”. When you fully engage with this moment, nothing is negative (unless you’re in a moment where your leg has been stabbed or shot or something, then I’ll give you, your moment is bad). This is something I am trying my best to do. Live in this moment and not in the selective nostalgia of the past and the made up future of life. To do that, I need to accept things more. Including getting older (check), not being a full time comedian (check) and the fact I’m not dating a girl I fancy (give me time).